taking it all in

breathe in breathe out

it’s 9:16 on a tuesday night and here’s what’s on my mind…

I find myself looking forward to these little entries these days. Drafting things as they happen around me throughout the day, and at night, when I’m all cozied up with my favorite show playing in the background, when the world has quieted down and I am alone with my thoughts—I write to my heart’s contempt. Hearing the click-clacking as I press on the keys of my keyboard fills me with joy. Looking up at the screen, I witness my ideas come to life. In that moment I am transformed into a different person. My true form evolves. I, alone with my thoughts, a keyboard, a blank canvas, and my mighty pen. It’s such an intimate moment. A moment that has now become a part of me. A moment I now look forward to, because in it, I am free.

The job I went to yesterday and got hired immediately but ultimately turned down, reached out to me today saying they had a better offer for me. They offered me a permanent position at their store which is exactly what I wanted. The pay still isn’t quite what I want, but on the bright side I won’t have to quit my current job seeing as it does pay more and I need the money right now—at least not until February when school starts. Working two jobs honestly sounds like hell, but I’m looking forward to stacking up my bag.

OPERATION: TRY NOT TO SPEND MONEY

…has now commenced. But honestly, this is going to be so hard for me. Working and trying not to spend money is crazyyy, but I got this (I think)…anyways, wish me luck! lol. I literally don’t know how to feel though. I’m both excited and nervous. Nervous only cos I’m going to be working at the mall meaning a lot of people are going to be around me and I sorta have social anxiety, but it’s time to face my fears—I mean I do want to be a superstar after all. And not to brag but it’s kind of hard not to catch people's attention when my outfit is always fire and everything about me is alluring. Still, it’s exciting knowing I’m doing what I love. Being surrounded by fashion sounds like a dream come true. I can’t wait to write all about my experiences.

Right now my main focus and next project is my room. Somedays it’s clean, some days it looks like a hurricane ran through it. Only on occasions where I’m trying to figure out an outfit to wear to go out with the girls though, but I guess that’s just what being a girl is. It’s like every time I clean it up, it becomes even messier and it’s like you know what, fuck this shit. Maybe I just need to find a better organizational system that works for me and trust me I’m working on that because, if I wanna get a cat anytime soon, I’m gonna need to figure something out, and fast.

Also, guess who got a new dining set today—MOI! I’m currently typing on it and I have to say, I’m loving it. Maybe it’s the fact that my apartment is finally coming together after making up excuses all year, but this feels amazing. I feel like I’m finally in my big girl era. You know, the era where you finally start prioritizing yourself first even if it means losing some people along the way. A better version of yourself evolves and keeps evolving because it’s a never-ending journey. You set goals, values, and achievements that renew each year. You meet new people who align with your new self. Who allow you to be unapologetically you without judgment. Lessons are learned and mistakes are made, but it’s all part of the plot. It’s what makes life exciting. Five years from now, these are the same moments we laugh about, and if we hadn’t experienced them, we wouldn’t have lived. Because five years from now, when you ask me what my greatest accomplishment in life has been, I wanna be able to say I lived.

I love this new me though. A new me where I romanticize the fuck out of life. Where I’m more focused on the beautiful aspects of it. Where I make better choices and live in the moment, rather than reminiscing about the past or dreaming about the future. And you know what, maybe we all need to start doing that. I mean it’s been working out great for me so far. I used to make up excuses in my head all the time, but I soon found that if you just decide to show up one day and be consistent, it gets easier with time. Everything else just falls into place and you wonder why it took you so long to realize all you had to do was just take it all in. Even if it’s just for a second, take in life's beautiful aspects. Take in those moments you take for granted. Moments with family. Moments with friends. Hold on to those moments. And in them don’t forget to

Breathe in. Breathe out.

D